Archive for the ‘Farts’ Category

2010 A Fart Odyssey Begins

February 9th, 2010 2 comments

Our story begins with a pause.  A look. A raising of ones eyebrow, like Spock. Then the sound of silence.  The sound of silence, but deadly. The wrestling of ones nostrils in the morning, before a long, eventful day.  Normally, our day would begin while awakening from a dream (a dream of ass-death!) and just before our eyes are able to open, we allow our rectum a slight emergence.  Emergence with a bang! Kick, pow, diddy-boom in the ass-face!  The dogs would normally hear this as a signal of the Overlord’s arrival to the day, raise their heads and perk up their ears in anticipation of their master’s long winded return to reality.  But not today….  not the day of our journey.

Today, we wake with a silent explosion of ass-guilt.  Ass guilt? Yes, your ass has guilt.  Your ass must find some reason to live, a purpose, I suppose.  If it can’t live up to your expectations, it feels guilty and ashamed.  After a day of less-then-stellar explosions, possibly with noise, but definitely without any good “linger factor” or rancid odor, you may wake with ass-guilt.  Usually an overabundance of bacteria have wreaked havoc on your ass, and with the wrong stretch of a butt cheek, your ass “rear’s it ugly head”, not its pretty one.  You are left with the stink of a decade!  A silent, fart sack filling, behemoth of stink.  The dogs don’t jump to the usual morning alarm of fart noise, but the nose wrenching aroma of ASS-GUILT!

The dogs started walking around the bed, smelling around the blankets.  They found my butt, of course.  Immediatly after I get that look, “Yep, that’s Dad! I know that smell!”  So I let it linger for a few minutes while I rub my eyes and wake to the new day.

This is a new day, and each day is an odyssey of farts.  Let’s start counting….

more to come. 🙂

Categories: Fart Odyssey, Farts Tags: , ,

Mom’s fart while shopping

March 27th, 2009 No comments

Story submitted by a fellow Ninja with minor edits:

It was on a Sunday after noon and my mom and my sister had gone to [Unnamed Department Store] and were shoppin around and my mom had felt a fart coming on and so she proceeded into one of the aisles and let it rip. Well she left the aisle after that and then these two lady’s walked in as my mom turned the corner,as they entered the aisle they put there shirts over there noses and yelled out (O! some one had to go bad!!) and she was in the next aisle laughing and then my sister cam over and smelled it ( mom i cant leave you alone for a second lol) and then as they were leaving out the door my mom farted once more and literally crapped herself lol. my sister didn’t let her hear the end of it for weeks.

Categories: Farts, Submitted by others Tags: , ,

Butt Water

August 6th, 2006 1 comment

Submitted by a fellow Ninja:

My buddy Dave and I were driving to his house from the mall several years back. He was riding shotgun and ripped a nasty fart. I cussed him out and rolled down my window. Now this guy has always been able so squeez one out on command, so he ripps another just to piss me off. He keeps doing this and is cracking up the whole time because i’m getting furious. I mean after a few minutes the whole car smelled like ass. His laughter was making him fart more for some reason and he just wouldn’t stop for like 10 minutes. Finally he settles down and says he feels sick and puts a hand down his pants to inspect his stink hole. Well we get to his house and he just jumps out of the car and runs in the house. I wait outside for a while and then go in to see whats going on. I walked into his room and his pants with boxers inside were on the floor and there was a huge wet circle on the back. I ran out to my car and there was a damp circle in my passenger seat and it smelled like butt water. This bastard was trying so hard to fart that he started squirting water out of his ass. And yeah I made that shit head clean my car seat after he shamefully came out of the bathroom.

Categories: Farts, Submitted by others Tags: , , , ,

On the flight home

June 20th, 2006 No comments

(Shared by a fellow Ninja)

I get to my seat, and I share the section w/ an elderly couple that were probably in their mid to late 70’s.
I smiled, said hello, and sat right beside the lady.
About half way through the flight, I started smelling a VERY foul odor.
I stealthfully use my ninja skills to make sure it wasn’t me, and looked around @ people to see who would look guilty of cracking one loose.
But realized shortly after, that it came from the seat beside me.
I thought to myself…….
“I bet she just shit herself and hasn’t realized it yet.”

Sure enough, about a half hour later…..
They decide they both need to go to the bathroom.
I kindly stood up and let them pass, and got back in the seat.
The old man says, “Sorry, but I need to get something out of the overhead compartment.”
So I scoot over to the seat where the lady was sitting to give them a bit of room, and as soon as my hand touched her seat, the cushion felt a little bit moist.

Needless to say, I ran to the bathroom right after them and scrubbed my hands clean until they were red……LOL!!!

Categories: Farts, Submitted by others Tags: , , ,

OH That stinks! Oops, HI neighbor.

March 31st, 2006 No comments

So…  I live in these stupid townhouses right now. People live pretty close by, and right out my bedroom window is a small, shared yard between the buildings. You can hear everything people say out there, especially at night.

We (Fartninja and, ummm, other person who shall remain nameless. I’ll call this person, OP.), OP and I, the Ninja, were heading up stairs to the bedroom to make the bed. We did laundry and had to tidy up. Well, during the strapping down of the sheets I bend way over to pick up the next item and RIPPED OUT this massive butt blaster. That thing rocked! It was a killer juice flapper! A hard one. You know? One of those awesome loud smackers? I was proud of the sound of that one man!

Moving on… I turned around to lay out the next sheet, knowing I was about to turn into my draft, and suddenly I caught a rancid stech that turned the inside of my nose out! Oh man! I was getting really serious about my “fart ego” here! But wait! AAAHHH!! THAT’S NOT MY STINK! OH NO!!!!!

IT WAS OP! HAHAHAHH!! “Oh crap that stinks!”, I said. Man, OP really busted my bubble. OP lit one off as a stealth bomber! That was the mother of all S-“B2”-D Bomber farts dude! That bastard was lazer guided to my dual pronged sorifice.

While we were in serious distress, I turned around quickly and opened the window. I had to poke my head out in between the blinds. I started laughing and yelling, quite loud, “OH MAN THAT STINKS! I THINK SOMETHING DIED IN YOUR ASS!”

And then… I saw them. “Oh, hello neighbors accross the yard.” I shut the blinds and closed the window, and went to bed. All the while, laughing so hard my belly hurt. Laughing at OP because, OP would now be the one known outside the next morning as the NINJA! The stinky FARTNINJA!

So, we started laughing about the nice production, and it turned out mine sucked! OP was the Ninja after all!

Categories: Farts Tags: , , , ,

Butt crack stink

March 31st, 2006 No comments

I was setting up my Adsense ads for Google and I saw an ad for “Butt Crack In a Bottle!” YESSSSS!! That rocks! That’s perfect!  Squirt your fart butt crack stink!

I haven’t thoroughly checked out their site, but that’s just great. What a great slogan! Or product name! I am jealous!

I have had several stink bombs over the years, and they just don’t quite smell right. They do stink, that’s for sure. However, they have a “produced” smell too. Maybe it’s the same stuff they put in our food to make is last longer. ??? Iduno. Anyway, I used to have a spray, it worked ok in bathroom.

I think my favorite was this little glass bottle that looked like a perfume sample. I didn’t like the fact that I left a hunk of glass laying around, but you could easily drop it and step on it to break open, without anyone noticing. So, I could be in a public building, in a busy hallway and drop a stink bomb. NICE!

I havent done that since High School, but I do remember the laughs over that one! I did it in the lunch room, maybe 150 kids sitting eating their lunch, and BAM! The Emeral Assegeddon hits!

Oh well, memories… Check out Butt Crack in a Bottle.

Categories: Farts Tags: ,